Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
