she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
