you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
