The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
