Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
