Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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