I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
