she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need to calm my uterus...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize