If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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