you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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