I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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