This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
