Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
