Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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