I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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