Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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