I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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