I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
