She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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