And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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