dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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