There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
