how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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