I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
