I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
