I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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