$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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