i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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