"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
