Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
