I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
