i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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