Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
