party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are the jesus of drinking
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
