Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
