even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize