you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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