I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
