I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
