11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize