I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
