Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
