boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
