when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
