I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My penis needs a shock collar
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
