I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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