I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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