I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
True strength comes from lack of pants
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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