i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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