So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
