The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
