how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
