Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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