When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
