do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
