saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So. Much. Porn.
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