Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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