Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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