I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We are all done wearing pants today
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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