Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
