MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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