my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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