we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
