i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
