i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
