Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
