he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
