she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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