Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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