my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
