sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
