I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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