She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
